November sucks!!

I've found myself not liking November for almost a decade now. It seems like November gets worse every year. I've lost many loved ones in November, or their birthday is in November. It just doesn't seem like Thanksgiving at the end of the month is enough anymore. Not that I'm not thankful. Just seems like a dim light these days. 

This year has an added an extra level for me. Last year, when I found out I was pregnant with Leonora I was excited and filled with joy. Something good was coming in November of 2012! The year before my niece was born so that meant TWO good things in this crap month. So excited. I was due on the 5th on November. That day came and went. I prayed for it NOT to be the 10th (the day my pop pop passed away). The 10th came and went. I prayed for it NOT to be the 11th (my niece's birthday and I wanted to celebrate her 1st birthday AND my grandma who passed away also shared that birthday). The 11th came and went. I prayed for it NOT to be the 19th (The day my best friend, Hillary's mom passed away and a birthday I would rather not share.) The 19th came and went. Finally the 21st came. It was game time. A baby would be here by the end of the night. MY baby would be here. I was excited. Nervous. Anxious. I couldn't wait. She came in roughly 2 hours and it was awesome. And then, almost immediately, it turned bad. FOR REAL? Come on NOVEMBER! Fast forward THIS November. And after a bad diagnosis for my nephew and losing my aunt I'm realizing that I haven't even begun to grieve for what I went through LAST year much less what has just happened. I'm not a crier. I cry now. Almost every night. Its strange for me. 

Slowly this past week I'm learning that its just bitter sweet. We've had a lot of bad. But this past year has brought a lot of good too. Leonora, despite her rocky beginning and the bumps along the way, has grown by leaps and bounds. She continues to amaze her doctors. That says a lot. I need to celebrate that. I need to grieve our rough start because that's exactly what it was. And even though we might have more trials and more bumps in the road I'm blessed with two amazing little girls. I think I might pray for all our "bumps" to be in November from now on. At least it will only be one really crappy month, right?